The March of Three Gr(i)pes

Forgive me Reader... but this week I am (...take a deep breath!)

Antagonistically-Bitter, Cholerically- Displeased, Exasperated 'n' Furious, Galled 'n' Heated, Impassionedly-Maddened, Nettled 'n' Offended, Piqued 'n' Resentful and Splenetically 'n' Tumultuously-Uptight-'n'- Vexingly-Wrathful!!!

There I have done the Angry-Alphabet! Get the picture!?

You may have heard the "March from The Love of Three Oranges" by Prokofiev, and if you haven't, then go on and sample one of the YouTube offerings on the side of this blog this week...

As for me, I am at this very point sitting in my office at 9 pm on a Tuesday evening and swallowing Three Gr(i)pes... and they most definitely ain't sweet!

Gr(i)pe One : BlOODY RAIN!

At last it has happened! I no longer see the magic in Mary-Poppin-umbrellas and raindrops-on-roses ... It has been five grey days of the rain-rain-go-away-come-again-another-day-saga, and goddammit! I AM TIRED OF IT!

I am sick to my soaked socks of the lake in my garden and the laundry line in my living room! I am fed-up to the teeth of manoeuvring around puddles and under umbrellas... and damn those little old ladies who insist that you stand outside the bus dripping in your mac waiting for them to ask the driver directions to the nearest public loo in plain sight just five feet away! I am convinced that crotchety grandmas in London only venture outside in thunderstorms and come invariably equipped with both an attitude and incontinence...

There is Polite Rain and there is Rude Rain. Let me tell you the difference: Polite Rain comes a knocking only after you get into your house at the end of the day and lock the door. It plays you a lullaby on the tiles of the roof to put you to sleep, and then, very courteously evaporates in entirety by 7 am in the morning leaving the ground dry and the air crisp and sweet... Rude Rain interrupts your evening jog; traps you under a dripping bridge as you walk home from the train station; soaks through and demagnetizes your entry pass to your office and finally slaps you with a dry-cleaning bill approximating the GDP of Kazakhstan!

And now, even as I type in these words, I hear distant thunder in the air, a rumble of impending doom for my new suit... And Hey-Hey!!! What do you know??!! Some inconsiderate thief has just made away with my umbrella from the cloakroom! Bloody Pu-r-r-r-r-fect!!

AAAAaaaargh!!!

Gr(i)pe 2: SHITTY WORK!

Okay... it is Wednesday evening, and I have not been home for more than 5 hours this week! Please see the adjacent mug-which reflects my over-caffeinated state of mind at 6 pm this evening.

Now Reader, I have never been someone to shirk hard work, and yes I am a bit of a sucker for the adrenaline and the thrill of the roller-coaster-all-nighter leading up to champagne glasses and happy smiles in the wee hours of the morning. Yes, I am quite a sad sod in that way!

But pray tell me what is the point of sitting in a conference call for 5 hours with only 5 minutes of input from my end? What is the point of getting instructions to draft something out , and then be told that after 3 hours of work that some monkey in the Tax Department found another way to get around the whole thing yesterday... "and oh dear!... did I forget to tell you???!!!" What is the point of waiting 3 hours at my desk until 2 am for some half-arsed accountant at the end of the world with no life beyond credit 'n' debit columns to send me a 200 page fax that I have to vet in half-an-hour to send on to a client sitting in a palm-tree-fringed-bar in the Bahamas sipping a Pina Colada and feeling up his Stepford Wife!???!

Tell me Reader... what is the frigging POINT???!!!

Now, naturally if there was a prospect of a bonus payment in my account at the end of this ordeal, the whole thing could be laughed off... But guess what??! No chance of that at all thanks to my contract which banishes me to 6 months of enslavement under Probation! And to make matters even worse, today I incredulously found out that the B*STARDS are actually under-paying all the foreign recruited lawyers by £10,000!

Get it???.... £10,000 ????

Go on Reader, put yourself in my shoes (Okay, I will give you a dry pair!) and mull over what you could/would/should do with an additional £10,000 a year! Well? Are you getting as aggravated as I am now?!

Shackle me to my desk and toss me those stale and crumbly compliments from time to time that you wouldn't feed your dog, BUT BY GOD ABOVE, hell hath no fury like I have when I am underpaid!

Just before I go off now for another pointless conference call that will undoubtedly last for the next 3 hours at least, I realise that my colleague has most helpfully sent me her sympathies.... and this little article below:

Wha-a-at!!?! As if I didn't already know!! Sheesh!

Gr(i)pe 3: THE INFECTED HEARTLANDS

And now we come to the biggest Gr(i) pe of all... and a hell-u-va succulent one at that.

This Monday, a friend forwarded me this link. Go on Reader...peruse at length and gasp with disbelief:
http://forums.asiaone.com/showthread.php?t=5683&bcsi_scan_D07051AE79122A29=zX5klDvM70SHkkEguAFnxAwAAAB9VgcD&bcsi_scan_filename=showthread.php
And if you don't want to wade through the 8-page-cess-pool of idiocy, I have prepared a report to the Ministry of Environment which I will digest here:

_____________________

ENVIRONMENTAL REPORT 2007/riverman~~~/123454321/highlysensitiveandvery prejudiced/ Submitted: 17/05/07

It is with great and grave concern that I have to report to the Department of Public Health (the "Department")that within the swamp of communal debate I have detected over the course of these two weeks, the presence of dangerous amoebic and spineless specimens (the "Specimens", and each a "Specimen").

Upon further investigation and close study within the confines of a large Petri dish over a fourteen day incubatory period, it is hereby submitted that the Specimens discovered are highly contagious in nature, and have epidemic-inducing characteristics.

It is also submitted to the Department that these Specimens are possibly primarily responsible for "infecting the heartlands" in which we live.

A description of each Specimen and their unique and ultimately harmful characteristics follow in this report:

(1) superus maxime moralis (Moralis) Found: in the "unsaved world" ; Loves: standing at MRT stations and handing out pamphlets with flaming titles "You are all going to Hell!"; Hates: Sin...Every Sin; Favourite quote: "God Loves You!"

Moralis usually crystallize into congregations and alternatively form little self-congratulatory "cell groups" to meet and discuss what they consider their superior morality. Moralis ponder world domination on a regular basis, and consistently secrete a potent hormone called "Evangelism" which serves to replicate them like "the seven loaves and two fish". For this reason, Moralis is a powerful and dangerous Specimen that should be contained. Moralis is extremely resistant to all the usual and expected methods to eradicate it. At best, one can only attempt to contain it. Studies show that the most effective way of containing a Moralis is to nod and smile with approval at whatever it says, point it in the general direction of a religious establishment, and then evacuate the infected area with all speed.

Example of Moralis: “To the homos, please go get lost! We can do without you in our society, never mind if you are a billionaire who build the best charitable society or even if you can build a rocket for us or find a cure for an incurable disease. Its the morality that matters. Paris Hilton is a good example, society should not tolerate someone with loose morals." “Look.... Do you guys know where the word sodomy came from? It's derived from the place called Sodom where God destroyed the whole city because the people there are immoral and indulge in homosexuality."

(2) studius universum incomprehendae (Studius) Found: on an online discussion group usually attempting to sound knowledgeable; Loves: reading anything and everything as quickly as possible and then joining an online discussion to show off; Hates: people who can contradict them; Favourite quote: "Donch tell me... I know what!"

The fundamental problem with Studius is the "I-know-it-all- attitude", which translates into a potent poison that silences and ultimately destroys every other point of view. The Studius is however not a very hardy Specimen, and very quickly disintegrates into oblivion the moment it comes into contact with a more "studi-(o)-us" viewpoint. In fact, it is most heartening that the Studius has fundamentally a very poor sense of logic, and as such falls apart the moment you challenge it using common sense.

Example of Studius logic: "Gay cannot produce offsprings,you depend on heterosexuality couple to produce your "sexual partners"? this is a selfish and self indulgence lifestyle,homosexuality is not natural,if everyone thinks this way, then human being will extinct,if every Singaporean think this way,Singapore will soon disappear.....therefore homosexuality can not be encouraged !!"

(3) intelectus economicus sociocus (Sociocus) Found: breeding in primary and secondary schools and usually maturing into the civil service; Loves:"the fundamental building blocks of society"; Hates:society "spiraling out of control".Favourite quote:"...to bwui a democlatic saucsaiatee, base on justisss and equaritee... for pisss, pospewitty and pwogwess for owwer nayshion!!!"

The Sociocus is a hybrid Specimen containing some elements of Studius and what can only be called the "Mediacorp soap opera serial" gene. To the Sociocus, there is no better thing than a growing and thriving society. This being the case, on first sight, the Sociocus seems a benign Specimen, with deceptively good attributes, and may even be cultivated over time in flower pots and gardens especially for their nationalistic fervour and for the way they emotively sing at National Day Parades. However, it is this particular Specimen which once it takes root, proceeds very quickly to become a tenacious weed that suffocates all spontaneity and creativity, and finally takes over the whole garden.

Example of Sociocus: "The fundamental building block of society is loving family with real Dad and Mum. Dad & Dad or Mum & Mum parents are incomprehensible. Can the plant grow with water & water or soil & soil only? If the ingredients required are the necessary elements, then present of all necessary elements are critical for healthy plant. Having same-sex families will only breed unhealthy and disorientated future generation. As plants without either soil or water cannot reproduce so are the homosexuals."

(4) ignoramus falsus stupidus (Stupidus) Found: in abundance and usually clustered together for security; Loves: themselves; Hates: everyone else; Favourite quote: "^$%%!!$*^?&£" and other miscellaneous rude and incomprehensible screams (usually in BOLD CAPPED LETTERS) and in sentences without any evidence of elementary grammar usage.

It is not necessary to list the attributes of Stupidus. This Species is very well known, and thrives and proliferates at an alarming pace rivalling that of Sociocus. Stupidus is the most obvious of these Specimens, and like large unsightly pimples can be easily identified, and as such (it is sincerely hoped) treated - most likely by mass-electrocution.

Examples of Stupidus: "For those who enjoyed being homosexual and those who support them, I suggest that they form themselves into one community. Since there are going to be billionaires in their midst, they can buy themselves one island and then call themselves "Independent State of the Homosexuals", the 51st state of the USA or whatever. If it is to be in Singapore, let me suggest a nice name "Sodompore"

"I have travelled far and wide - homosexual is a degrading disease that goes against the law of nature - we don't need human laws to argue this case!When AIDS was first discovered, it was found that this disease came from those who practise homosexual intercourse and it started from America. That is why AIDS is acronym for "America I Dying Soon". In Thailand, there are homosexuals in the form of a male, taking on the role of the female. These are called "Ah Kuas". Sadistic males who have sex with these "Ah Kuas" have been reported to contract the HIV and then spread them around in normal hetrosexual relationship. If I am the wife of this sadistic male, I'll castrate him!So, Singapore, if you want to welcome these homosexuals into your midst to practise their relationship...

"Ahkuas Is Destroying Singapore"!"

____________________

And what does the riverman~~~ say to all this bullshit??? Ahh... that's simple:

AWWW... PISS OFF!!!

Go get me another bunch of Gr(i)pes!

~~~