What makes the evening news?

I stood wedged somewhere between Liverpool Street tube station and Waterloo last Friday evening and flicked through the papers. It's the typical "London-thang" to do: attempt to read a newspaper while suspended in an impossible entanglement of arms, feet, scarves and iPods on the way home for the weekend. I shuffled through the sections, and then suddenly the pages flipped up and fairly hit me in the face.

On page 1, a massive picture of a face numb-nailed into every Londoner's mind, and on page 12 just after the one that featured Posh Spice blubbing about missing "Davy-boy" and being oh-so-homesick in L.A. (poor baby!) - a little blurb of an event that almost nobody noticed. (More on that further down this post.)

Meanwhile, I am pleased to inform all concerned parties that the "Amazing Madeleine McCann Glacier" maintained its steady progress as it pushed aside mountains of evidence,and tracked its way from Africa to Portugal and back to London leaving behind widespread devastation and confusion in equal measure and in all directions.

Reader, did I hear you right? YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT MADDIE McCANN??? Well now, that is impossible! You must be mistaken... Land sakes Love! How could you presume to be knowledgeable about world affairs otherwise! Let me jog your memory.

Maddie McCann: that delightful little girl brutally snatched away from the loving arms of her two wonderful and caring professional parents on an innocent holiday in Portugal earlier this year by some undoubtedly depraved foreigner with nefarious intentions involving a number of Lithuanian mafia clans and a link to an African pedophilic ring or two? Remember how her poor careful parents left their little "blond-eyed-and-blue-haired-Gem" sleeping in her bed in their holiday flat, and went out to swill a little wine with their friends over a tortilla or two, only to return to find her missing? Oh, the unimaginable horror that must have been!! It is no wonder they spent all that time and money travelling to Rome to secure the Pope's divine blessings on a polaroid snapshot of their lost lamb, and then proceeded to hire every editor in Fleet Street to plaster those polaroids in every conceivable corner of the civilised world... I suppose, ANYONE would go a little crazy if they misplaced their daughter.

Why didn't they get a baby-sitter if they wanted to go out on their own on that night when little Maddie went AWOL? We-e-e-ll, re-e-eally now, I am not sure... but then again, the poor-poor precious Darling was snatched away from her BED!! How DARE you even insinuate any form of negligence here! Both parents are DOCTORS for goodness sake! Have you ever heard of doctors being negligent???

And just for the record, I am most definitely not sure about that report on sedatives being found in the DNA samples in that car-booth. You know... DNA samples are RE-E-EALLY tricky things and can be left in so many ways. DNA traces can even transmit from a secondary source like a squishy-soft-toy or the leather cover of a bible for instance. In fact, my very extensive knowledge of DNA leads me to believe that DNA can transmit from almost anything and from absolutely no-where! Scary huh?! Well, if you don't believe me, go and watch Season 3 of CSI Miami Episode 6. You simply must do your research before you read the newspapers.

Reader, it is very important to familiarise yourself with all the facts of the case before you jump to any conclusions. The press have been really helpful here and published maps and daily satellite snap-shots of the resort where little Maddie vanished. It's wonderful what technology can do today, isn't it! I mean, we even get to see what their swimming-pool looks like! Cool hey?

What did you say?? What makes Madeleine different from all the other children that go missing every day in the UK?? Goodness, how heartless you are!! Just look at those mournfully pretty eyes under those lovely lashes. Just how many children like that have you seen in the missing-people-pages on the local council's walls??? Furthermore, her mother really knows how to dress for the camera... and surely that can't hurt! Tell me honestly: Can you look at that picture (a copy of which I have - by the way - staring at me from the coffee corner in my office) , and say that you honestly DON'T CARE???!!!

Oh, and by the way, you simply have to stop calling the poor thing "Madeleine"... I mean, her parents call her "Maddie", and it would be just so cold and clinical to call her "Madeleine"... I mean she's practically become our own little girl after all these months, don't you think?

Oh, and now we hit page 12! And what's this thing we hear about this place called Burma??...?

... and errrr... by the way, can anyone tell me: where exactly is Burma?

~~~